“If there’s any kind of magic in this world it must be in the attempt of understanding someone sharing something.”
(Before Sunrise, 1995)
(Before Sunrise, 1995)
Last night, we sat down in a tea shop, pulled up a blank excel sheet, and typed in some numbers. Numbers that seemed small in the first row. Numbers that seemed abstract for both of us, Comm majors. Then we added formulas. The small numbers became bigger. Some numbers looked nice. But most of the numbers, frankly, looked scary. Scary not because we don’t understand them, but because we understood them well enough, and we don’t feel very happy about what they’re telling us. Continue reading “Numbers”
May you continue to prosper and grow as a man.
You are rich, not because of money, but because your mind travels to endless places, your body continues to operate as a top-notch productive machine, and your heart is pure gold.
Things will only get better, as they always have. #143
The thing you blog about should serve, in the future, to make you happy in one of two ways: 1) that you’ve done what you’ve promised to do, or b) that you’ve stopped doing whatever it was you were horribly doing.
Although it looks impressive to start off this post with a quotish-looking block of text, that is not a quote, I just made it up from my own head. I’m randomly yammering away for the 2nd time today because it has been a completely wasted afternoon (in terms of work, and even actual napping / getting my body to rest. It was much too warm this afternoon to just lie in bed, and since I don’t have AC, I just had to either endure or stay awake). Granted staying awake should have led to some work or acads neither of which I’ve marvelously managed to accomplish.
So, I’m like feeling bummed, and nothing creative is coming out of my head. But in true procrastinatory fashion I do feel like talking about my life (which although warrants loss of brain cells that should’ve been devoted to work is not really requiring of thinking. Just lots of remembering and self-gratification, as evinced by me personal quasi wisdom up there). A lot of self delusions happen when one doesn’t leave the house all day.
OK, well, this is my space and not a lot of people read it, so I’ll talk about my life for my own benefit more than anything :). Maybe, just to be more specific (and to veer away from the pity-me I’m lazy and useless stream of consciousness I’ve been doing lately), I’ll talk about a specific tenet of my life for the last five years.
Hello 2MP flashbacks, and Ranie 15 pounds ago. Ilocos, 2008.
(Let this also be my “adieu” cherva to my Multiply, which, not surprisingly, hasn’t disappeared off the face of the earth as they had promised it would by the time this month rolled in. Also we celebrated our anniversary last week and I think I need to somehow have an online reckoning of its passing.)
I think I also need this post just to chide myself, because I honestly back then I never thought five years was gonna happen. I’m not sure if he did, but I sure didn’t. This was me mere days before the weird stormy night wherein we became “us” happened:
How many sensible people would deign to embark on a relationship because I dreamt about it. In this age?
And then this one, which is dated December 4 – the day after if we’d be technical but I seriously believe I was writing this BEFORE we got together that week. So have we been celebrating the wrong day all these years?
Feelingerang Frog ang lola niyo. Anyway. There, so much fullness at myself and not even giving credit to the other party re: what’s about to take place haha. But back then, I trusted what we were about to have, by sheer nature of its perfect timing. In my mind, I was ready for a “fresh start,” and here was someone, wanting to begin a journey with me, a boy who was guided by God. So go.
Five years later, here we are, cooler than we were in college. Just literally, unfortunately. At Ice Bar last month.
For most people five years is too long a time to be steady, and I’d say up to some point they’re right, but then again, I think for our case, five years has been just right. We got together pretty quick because Ranie is so torpz and at the first sign of intellectual landi I was like, lezgo and that made things escalate pretty much fast at least companionship wise haha. Anyway, although we have been friends for long by then, five years, and the transition from college to work, has been necessary for us to grow, to manage our expectations, to align our goals, and to collect experiences which would cement our conviction that we can make it stick. During the first years, I think it was Ranie who did a lot of adjusting to me. After his Malaysia stay last year, and because of his current work, I think he grew up faster now and gained a pretty bigger perspective of things, and I think it’s my time to catch up. And although I’m taken to ranting deep down I’m not minding it because I trust the direction where I’m headed with him.
Our first trip together was in Indonesia in 2010. It was a fantastic trip but I also had the best bowel disorder / PMS episode ever in Jogja; Ranie thankfully endured me through it (partly though also because we were in a foreign country and more or less stuck by nature of itinerary).
I don’t think relationships necessarily get easier over time, because of the way things are supposed to be, trials and challenges will always be there. When we were in college it was not having finances and Math 11. Now that we’re working and ticking things off our bucket list item by item, it’s work and having finances but not knowing how to take care of them properly. But then, there’s also the unspeakable thankful sort of joy in overcoming these things one by one, and then moving on, beside each other, to whatever next big deal we should take up. And more and more, because of what we have been able to do together so far, I am more at peace with whatever curveballs or demands life will take from me. Because at this point I’m quite assured that there will be someone who was seen it all with / from me and who can do it all some more with me.
People often say that what they love about their partners are their enduring qualities. But at this point, what I also love most about Ranie is how he has changed. He is still smart, and outspoken, and Godly. But also he has developed more as a leader and as a long-term planner. And then he wears better fitting shoes and clothes – which I am ambivalent about. Half of me likes it and wants to take the credit (there I go again), but of course sometimes half of me wishes for nostalgic college days when org shirts are all we needed to don. Actually come to think of it, both of us changed quite a lot. I’d like to think it’s all been good changes so far, and maybe it’s how we have been able to keep the relationship intact?
Still sorta mirroring after all these years. So much and so little has changed at the same time.
Five years is but a nanosecond versus everything that has happened after the Big Bang, and we are but insignificant blips among the billions of people in this world. In my short life as a third-world girl I have jumped in far too quick into many things, and I have also given up far too easily afterwards. But although at this point I’m filled with doubt and uncertainty about what I’m supposed to do next (at least long term wise), I am thankful to have had five years of learning and loving with Ranie. He makes me silly and hopeful the way no one can. He also taught me to be serious and to act smarter when necessary. I know I should be saving mushiness like these for that significant promise of a future event, but I just want, at this point, to commemorate and remember how we’ve somehow managed to stay together even though back then I was so unsure of what’s gonna happen.
We have had this, and whatever happens, this shall be a part of what we will be henceforth.
TL;DR: Dear Ranie, thank you for staying – and changing – with me. Here’s to our lasting togetherness (and enough money for our future globetrotting escapades).
One of my favorite photos.
Posting because this morning, my thread of thought spun its way to the imagination of things a couple of months from now – devoid of his smells and sounds and touches. It makes me awfully sad already, but perhaps it’s better to be freaking out right now so that I’ll be calm and ready when it finally happens – the time and distance of 10 months and thousands of miles is no joke when you’ve spent practically every minute together for the past 3.5 years.
How can I say it here without sounding like a high school coed?
I hope I can have your pillow, so that I can revel in the spirit of your smell while you’re gone. Only I’m not sure how long that will last.
The first step is ensuring that I am happy and confident with my preoccupations. So I have to do what I’ll be doing next, even if it will mean breaking hearts, not meeting expectations, and admitting, that for this one, I really might have failed. All of us.
The next step is to put all my faith into this. I prayed hard for this, I asked for this, I heard the promise of deliverance. I used to pray for other things – strength, good spirits, favor upon favor upon favor – but the answers never quite came until now. Now – what I hear is this resounding voice inside me, getting louder, every day: THIS IS IT. THIS IS WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO. It was all a matter of time. This was the answer I was looking for after all.
So with all that, good morning!