I turned 30 this month. I’ve worried about being 30 since I hit my mid-20s, and that worry over 30 as a deadline has catapulted me into lots of decisions that led to where I am today. I celebrated with very little fanfare. I spent the days surrounding it with lots of reflection and gratitude. I know now that it’s just a number. But I also do feel a lot of things changing. My body, giving me different signals, gaining new permanent marks and lines, surprising me often, and it’s not always bad. My thoughts, spending more and more time into the compartmentalized futures and possibilities that now define my presents. I catch myself saying the very things I said I’d never say when I hit this age. I catch myself wondering if I’m acting my age or not. And I catch myself worrying too much over these things, when I shouldn’t be.
Things are shifting again… after half a year (!) of semi-reclusion and lots of rest, and focusing on my mind and my body, I’m starting to pick up some new projects again. Excited to see where this would take me… last night in between meetings, it hit me how much I wanted this, how much this is looking to be exactly as I pictured it. Just last month, I started feeling like things seemed to be going slow, and I was halfway wondering happened to my gung-ho-ness, what happened to all the things I was intending to do. But I also felt that things will happen anyway as they ought. In their own time and season. I’m less religious now, but that is still my life verse. I write everything down. I write everything down and commit them to my heart and mind, and send them out as a semi-prayer for the universe. I write things down and I let them happen, one by one.
Life is not perfect… we have a LOT of debt and obligations. I should’ve spent those six months, 90% house-bound, working out or learning to cook. We worry about our parents and their health. I get extremely moody and anxious about the pettiest things, prone to crying and being frustrated in public parks or our bedroom for the most random of reasons.
But we get by. We are in movement, we are flowing, we are letting the winds and waves take us where we need to go and we are OK with all of it.
Photos taken at Ninoy Aquino Parks and Wildlife, Quezon City