I have no public entries for August because there were no travels, no big weekends, no photogenic events. But there were a lot of early mornings, spent attacking blank unlined pages with a 0.3 black pen, writing over and over and over and over: “Stop being negative. Don’t be sad. Look on the bright side. Just grit your teeth and do it.” So I went ahead and did all that.
I can say I haven’t failed just yet. Because I haven’t exactly given up – or I’m too chicken to give up. Because this is one of those cases where giving up and acceptance is both the most chicken and the bravest option, and I’m just too ‘fait accompli’ to do something about it – whilst there is that other, fairly recent, different side of me which is the Doer, the Claimer, the one who Wants To Make a Freaking Difference (because the workplace ethos has rubbed off somehow).
I’m talking about my thesis of course and someday, I know, whichever decision I end up with I will not NOT have misgivings and regrets, but I really can’t deal. I LIKE the idea of having it over and done with and earning my graduate degree, but I don’t have the drive, the time, and the resources yet to complete it within an ideal time frame. That’s a very no-frills way to say it. But there are so many nuances still under that.
But really why bore you with all my tepid incompetencies. The issue here, really, is what a waste of domain and 30 dollars if I don’t maintain a semblance of a consistent update here. Of course I can just lift off at what’s in my journal, but I can’t bring myself to encode and post anything here – mostly because the handwritten 6:30 am stuff is utter crap; too vague, too WTF, and basically a lot of whining. But I’m making this entry now, the safe public version, because I kind of want to be able to locate and mark this point in time in my life. It’s different from the low points of college and the despair and exhaustion I felt during my first year in my first-ever job. It’s also so removed from the positive attitude and atmosphere I was in at the start of 2016. So it’s not exactly a good place to be in. And I want to get over it. And later on, I want to be able to justify it to myself, when I’m in one of my blackhole back reading nights again.
I’ve been doing a lot of back reading (I’ve just finished importing the “style blog” too. Now this space is a complete consolidation of everything I’ve ever blogged about since 2005. Except for that old Tumblr and cringe-worthy poetry blog I’ve deleted). I am not sure what I am looking for. But I like reading. I like remembering.
OK this doesn’t seem to be working. Maybe in lieu of ranting, I will tell you about my cultural bingeing. I watched a lot of Netflix (Stranger Things, Love, The Get Down). I’m mildy Pokemon obsessed even though my phone has been acting up and I’m like just average as a player and I don’t have a Magmar or a Lapras. I’m still enjoying hoard-reading novels about women icons, magicians, and con men. Those indulgences filled up my weekends. Maybe I can tell you about work – it’s been busy as usual, bigger things are happening, and I’m really more excited IRL than how I sound right now (it’s 10:25 as a type this and y’all know I’m not a night person). I’d love to go on and on about my baby nephew, and how he is so cute, and so huggable, and I miss him already so much as my sister is now a South girl.
I should probably tell you about drinking four bottles of beer on a Monday night, of nausea and why must I do that to myself (this is NOT related to the drinking), of being told by a younger colleague that I’m the complicated one and mulling over that very hard, much, much later; I should probably find something poignant to say about the big fights and the small fights and how there’s a new routine, a new “OK this is it now,” but also a lot of looking forward, and I’m not sure what’s there, but it’s like, yes, we must make this work, and we will. But I’m too sleepy now to go over all of that :).
It’s probably not advisable to discuss too much thrift shopping, and my new favorite grey sweater. I shouldn’t be talking about how we’re still flat-ass broke at the present because we’re paying for so many things from the past, and for the future. There’s no point in telling you once again that we’re kind of working pretty well together despite the circumstances and I’m grateful for that. But those are easier to talk about in a way. But I’m already thinking of something else.
It really is more practical and web-friendly to zoom in one one TELL moment, but I can’t, and I won’t, and maybe this will suffice as a highlighted passage in my public timeline, maybe something here will be quotable later on. zzz.