Okay, I seriously can’t get over that witty phrase (who came up with it? Oh, right, me). I posted it on my Facebook, my twitter, and now am using it as the title for my inaugural post for 2012, here in my still-hidden “little” blog.
|so if that’s my tagline… what are these poses doing on this blog post? DUH. Hiding and lying to the public. Or just helping me slowly ease out of habit. ^_^|
Just as well, because the personal drive to write more, like this, propelled the creation of aforementioned witty one-liner. I will not kid – platform shoes and various forms of les robes desires are still on the extensive “goal” list I have typed down in my One Note. But, I’ve recently cleaned out and straightened my space and possessions in this bedroom. Even my shoes are in boxes now (that I hugely have to thank my Mama for). In the previous weeks, I threw out a 4ft stack of glossy magazines and various things I have been holding on to for too long, gave away quite a LOT of clothes to charity, and bought really nice pens. I swept out, vacuumed, and changed the curtains. I am breathing easier and sleeping better in this space right now. And so I am expecting that writing better will come next, naturally.
I think my major goal for 2012 will be to WRITE. To write what I need to write, to write what I want to write. To devote my time to the letters and the words and the observations that I will make. To attempt storytelling, once again. It comes with the whole picture: being in school, having part-time work, prospects of writing for publications or teaching in the 2nd half of the year. In my vision, writing stories fits in, like a missing volume in a bookshelf.
2011, I think, was all about fighting for the power to have this decision and goal. Last year, I was all about looking for time. I lamented over and over and over again how I wanted languid spots of afternoons; early, cold, unhurried mornings; and blessed, wor-less weekends: to be able to have time – to think, to reflect, to write. And now I have somehow arrived at this beautiful situation wherein I am studying and also getting some work done. And providentially, in between these things – I have time. Not a lot, but acceptably reasonable amounts of it. Sufficient to rid myself of excuses that I cannot think creatively when I’m busy. That I cannot romanticize mundane occurrences when I’m stressed over life’s realities. Something like that I suppose. Why all this is so important for me, of course, is hard to explain. It’s just something that’s hard to get out of my system. Something my heart and entire being was simply made with.
Well, here I am now. The smoke and the hype is clearing out a little, and I know I’ll sound totally cocky and douche-y for sounding this out – but so far, I believe I do have it good. Everything is exactly as I want it to be right now… well, except for the part about Ranie being in Malaysia, but even that’s been better than I thought. And he will become quite financially stable. Can you imagine? Never have I ever. I know that it’s such a chauvinist little source of glee for me, and so telling of my ideals as a woman and a “gendered” performer. But, really… it’s so comforting to know that the man I loved, can also become a provider in the future. I’m glad for that.
As I was saying – everything’s OK, so far. School underway, relationship stipulations settled and running smoothly, and work actually getting done on means that I agree with. I am so thankful, so grateful, relieved and bewildered beyond belief. This feeling – this everyday state of waking up and just knowing that I can accomplish whatever I set out to do for the day – be it a script or a meet-up with friends or some lame blog post (more on this later on) – it’s so much fun. It’s a refreshing change to the days of “drivel” and nervousness and low self-esteem (not to mention tiredness) that I’ve gone through for over a year. I don’t know why it took me this long to realize that I need to get moving. But then again, I’m not questioning what happened. I also believe that everything happened in exactly the right way and the RIGHT TIME. I guess it all happened perfectly, like a divine plan by a wonderful, powerful Creator.
Getting lost in the thread of useless thought again – but see, five paragraphs already. This was what I was talking about.
Moving on. Now that I have the time and the opportunities, as well as a new found set of postivie vibes via confidence, hope, and the right attitude – What’s next is that I have to resolve to protect and to nurture this situation. To make sure that it doesn’t go to waste. To keep it a beautiful testament of an amazing God’s power. To turn this period into a season of Spring – productivity and blessing and sharing. Hmm, I’m getting too lost in praise. I’ll be speaking in tongues next – just kidding. But I guess I just have to get this out first. This state of thankfulness. I can’t stop declaring that this was all caused by faith and love and it has moved me and made me so happy.
In a nutshell – 2011 was a year of absorbing, observing, and learning. Hence, 2012 is gonna be a year of making, doing, and giving. And at the topmost of my list is to be able to seriously write – long-form, fiction, or essays, again. And that necessarily comes with paring down the “fashion blogging.” and even the Tumblr. Such inane ideas! But – it truly eats up a copious amount of my time. So I need to do it sparingly. I can’t say yet again that I’ll quit it – having a “show off” space like Sentimental Style has somehow, excitingly, opened up some doors for me too. Validated some affirmations. In short, it is still quite useful, no matter how bottom-tier and unpopular it still is. As one of the friends already pointed out – for sure I’ll still have lots of time to “pose.” But this time – I really must fight for my time to write. I can’t let go of that. It’s too precious to let go to rot and to waste.
This year: it will be all about fine-tuning the happy balance that I’m descending upon right now. Writing makes me happy. Makes me validated. Writing helps me sort out the crazy things running through my head, keeps me on track. I reflect and plan and act better when I write a lot. I feel happier when reading back things I’ve written than pictures I’ve posted. I become elevated as a human being. So yes – less pose, more prose. It’s time for some real output! Soon! And so I pray that I can justify everything I set out to do.
(Digress – I should now just mention here that I’ve started to develop a mild addiction to makeup. Super small time, this one – no big-name products yet. But I’m amazed with the capabilities of the small arsenal that I so far possess. I can conceal, brighten, enhance. I can look more professional and less tired. On one perspective it’s such an oxymoron – I’m merely becoming more and more entrenched in a capitalistic industry and mindset. But on the other hand, it perfectly stands alongside the whole idea of loving myself more – in a more genuine way. Now, I believe myself to be capable of prettiness. Of just a slight swipe of rogue. I believe myself to be capable of eliciting mental gasps of “wow, she looks nice.” The decision to maintain that with makeup, in my world, is necessarily coexistent with having more confidence, and consequently, being brave enough to embark on what I want to do – going back to the whole “I shall write” attestation. Anyway… I am just writing this here now so that I can record that ladies and gentlemen this is the point where it started. This could be connected to my (hopefully) outgrowing of all the outfit posting. I mean – makeup Ranie likes. Makeup is cheaper in a sense because it lasts way longer and so the upkeep is not as costly nor frequent. Sure sounds better).
I’ve rambled really meaninglessly. But I want to work on this claim. I think I’ve gone on long enough about this. Tomorrow I’ll wake up early to eke out some words – here, or on my black notebook.
So, there. 🙂