I’m back to taking pictures of weird outfits and even weirder poses in my bedroom and then carefully editing them. I’m officially doing it for longer than I thought I would, but none less better. LOL. What would come out of this? Would this even make me mildly successful later on?
I think I wouldn’t mind this state of homeostasis so much if I were really doing something everyday. I mean, I am – but it’s mostly fodder and fluff for my online accounts (filed under narcisssim and pithy abrupt intellectualizations). I could keep myself busy with gratification and catching up on moments before Ranie leaves, but we’re both dementedly broke. There, admitting it. For all I’ve said about my previous state, I miss slaving away and draining my creative juices at a job that I do like. Or at school, thinking and over-analyzing and being comfortably smug about doing so. Long-standing truth: I’ve always been more comfortable with busy-ness, and craziness. Solitude and silence are good for my creative thoughts, but bad for my personal musings and general self-esteem (which is not even on a very good state right now). I tend to overthink my situation, and be pessimistic. And lately instead of being creative (word-wise) and thankful and doing little necessary things, I’ve just been sitting on my thoughts, allowing my self-pity to grow and gain wings and icky dark oily fur until it messes with my psyche. It should stop now!
I miss the confidence I had in college, how small my world was back then. I’m as neurotic then as I am right now, but back then, I was actually pretty certain that I was going to turn out all right, that I could indulge in imperfection because it’s a way of making my outcome more memorable. At least I believed that. But now I don’t know. The world feels different: less fluid than I used to perceive it. Boxes to fit into, instead of glasses to fill to the brim until it overflows. Is this bad? I need to get over college. It’s not healthy. Also, I need to feel better about my current state. It’s not as if I’m jobless. By Providence’s will I’ve been blessed to have some things to do and some things to work on (shout out to the kind angels who trust me with these things). But tasks finish early and payments come quite a bit later, and in between there’s an impossible gap of blankness which leaves me amiss. I should do better, “creative” soul I proclaim myself to be. Tsk. I know it’s not a bad state to be in and I have so many great things to look forward to. I just need to believe it!
If anything, I guess for now, it’s really important that I get back into this habit of writing out what I think and getting my confidence on my intuition and beliefs back. Because of quite a few circumstances and decisions, I’ve been pretty successful in drowning out this voice for the past three years or so. But I’m claiming to myself now that I’ll get it back. If anything, I should be starting to hear fictiony voices and writing more publish-worthy things, now! (Hear it? hear it? I’ve always been certain that I’d study Love when I grew up. It’s an archaic language, but I’ve always loved old languages. In my parents’ old library I discovered…^)
I guess it’s pretty inevitable too, anyway: I’ll be back in school* (which means, back into that think-think-think mode!), My partner and constant companion will be abroad for a year (which means more me-time once more), and in more ways than one, I’m on my own now and will be accountable for my own decisions (which means tentative financial options, but a greater opportunity to focus on doing the things I want to do). So maybe I just have to be patient. And headstrong. And sensible. And able to command amazing skills of foresight.
The ideal: to get into that scholarly mindset again, of hoping and romanticism – and to save up seriously (always gets a special mention). Creator, I’m claiming this, I hope that You find favor in it. 🙂 Kind of feel better right now. See? The Voice. Haha. Off now to dinner with the high school gang.
^This is something I’m working on. I started on it 25 seconds ago i.e. typing it. Haha!
*It’s kind of scary how essentially my future rests upon something so tentative (no exam results yet! no tuition fee even!), but I’m willing this to happen. I mustn’t let negativity bar it. God, I’m offering this up to you, two years of prayers now. I waited until you told me that it’s time. Let this be it, let this be it. Let THIS BE IT.